Weird day in the Euge. After what feels like weeks of hysteria-inducing sun, the rain came. But this rain is not normal valley rain. The air is muggy and heavy, and it's like 75 degrees out right now. No. This is Texas rain. So I've been expecting big Texas-sized thunder and lightning, but it doesn't seem like that release is going to occur. So I'm content with the nostalgia that the air is producing, and I guess I can wait a couple weeks longer for some crazy weather.

This thing makes me happy:


My Mao, in her new favorite spot. Gratuitous cat picture. I'm glad that there are things that make me happy.

I biked home today and realized that I had to stop at the grocery for a little refreshment.



Line forms to the left, guys.

Blegh.

I have not been writing.

This is okay -except for the fact that I have had lots I've wanted to write about. Elective C-sections, questions of identity, love, etc. Nothing brilliant or entertaining but themes I'd like to explore.

Facebook is partly to blame. I'm finding it more and more evil. It is sapping my soul quickly and efficiently and making me slothful and uninspired. Instead of practicing the art of succinct and pretty story-telling, I have gotten sucked into a world of pseudo-catchy poseur headlines. While I appreciate that form of expression in a way, it leaves me with the feeling that something is missing from these one-lined attention grabbers, namely feeling, context and beauty. Who envisioned a day where the blog would be a lamented art form? Am I clinging to my typewriter of the 21st century?

Cinco de Mayo

So… I may or may not be drunk.

Every time I begin to hate my life in Eugene something really cool happens to put it all back in perspective. I say “really cool”, but that may be a stretch. Anyway. I’m sitting at Sam Bond’s, the bar that’s at most, half a mile from my house, and I have a teeny buzz. I had a shot of Jameson and I’m finishing my beer and I just ate a portabella sandwich with a salad topped with homemade gorgonzola dill dressing. And then the guy who works at the brewery that’s a block away walked in with a fresh keg and everyone that was working knew him and they were all cool with each other. It felt nice to sit at a bar that’s a three minute bike ride from my house and eat a delicious salad and then watch the beer be delivered right after it’s made!

May 4

Writing up my essays for my take-home midterm. Predictably last minute. And as usually happens during these times of procrastination, I am mildly perturbed and on edge. I’m pissed off because the internet is not working. Like, seriously, who the fuck cares. I need to be writing a paper. Why the shit do I need the internet?

Issues to deal with presently:
1) How can I be the same person if I am continually changing?
2) What is the point in dating someone if they are leaving in a month and neither one of us wants to be in a long distance relationship?
3) What do I think about when I think about love? (Thank you Raymond Carver)
4) How much of my future (with the fact that I am Amelia kept in mind) do I need to map out?

These are issues to come back to when I am feeling a bit loftier in my goals. As of right now all I need to do is finish my goddamned papers.

I haven’t heard from Erik tonight, and while it’s not totally distressing and pissing me off, it is mildly annoying. So he’ll leave in June, and I’ll get my life back in order. Why do I need him to leave for this?

Sam Bond's

Elena and I went out to Sam Bond’s last night, and we had a good old drunken time.

I texted Erik and told him that I was out and that I didn’t like him at the moment. And he texted me back “I miss you, too.”

Then we started texting more and he ended up coming over at one thirty in the morning. We sat inside his truck and talked for two and a half hours, and then he came in and stayed the night. Mao was being a brat, and we both slept badly. We had another talk this morning and came to an agreement about the way we were going to try to conduct ourselves in the coming month and a half or so before he leaves.

I feel confident and peaceful.

April 20, 2009

Now I have some more nuggets of wisdom:
No more architects.
Don’t date anyone who doesn’t like chocolate.
Don’t date anyone with a Jackson Pollack inspired tattoo.
Never buy a box of condoms for a guy.
Don’t date any more fucking Scorpios. Ever.

I don't know what's going on with me lately, but I know that I am not pleased and there are certainly things that are bumming me out. Is it enough to have an intellectual equal, an equal on par with the practical side of day to day living, a somewhat sexual equal? I feel there is something missing. Perhaps I need an emotional equal, someone who looks at love and being in the same way as I do. Maybe this sort of equality is not in the realm of emotion but one of a more practical nature. I am unsure. Maybe this is the source of my problem. I don't think that either Erik or myself is wrong. I just don't think we mesh emotionally. I feel neglected. I want someone to adore me. But I've said this before.

Nevertheless, I am holding out a bit longer. Perhaps things will improve, but I know from past experience that this is hardly ever true. Character never changes. The problems that arise between Erik and me are issues of personality, not of feeling, per se. I believe that he does care about me, but he acts these feelings out differently than I do. This is the problem.

Yesterday was Easter, and I missed my family tons. Erik and I met up for a coffee/ breakfast/ study date in the morning, and we read for a couple of hours. I like these times that we have. They are always so special to me.