Meat

I am at the gym waiting for a treadmill to open up. I feel like I should be doing physical things since I have been stressed lately. And because I’ve had quite a few buttermilk bars this week.

Today is the first day of Lent, and I have given up meat. Last night Erik went with me to Cornucopia for my celebratory last meal of meat until Easter. I ate a shit ton of meat yesterday, and I feel nice and disgusting today as a result. Yesterday I missed my bus. That was kind of the pits. So I used missing the bus as an excuse to stop by Mc Donald’s for breakfast for a sausage mc griddle and a sausage biscuit with egg and cheese. Then for lunch I had the two-entrée plate from Panda Express. That grossed me out. And then Erik met me for my burger. I was glad that he was there to mark a special occasion.

Though seeing him did stress me out a bit. Only because he told me that he’s applying for all these internships this summer. He applied to two in London, and he should hear back about those this week sometime. And then, if not London, there’s New York, Pennsylvania, and Portland. Hearing that really bummed me out, and it took me a while to calm myself down on the inside. But I think I played it off really well, even though my eyes watered up a bit. I don’t think he could tell.

I had been thinking about all of these things that we would do this summer and how he could come visit Austin with me. So I know he’s busy, but I wonder if he keeps me at arm’s length intentionally, too. Like maybe he knows that he’s not going to be able to perform in a relationship, so he’s subconsciously withholding the psychic goods. I’m afraid that I’m starting to like him too much, and I don’t want that to happen if he’s leaving. I don’t think, that since Jeff, I will be able to handle someone being far away from me while dating. But he’s not even left yet. And we haven’t even dated a month yet. I want to cry.