sunday shenanigans

Erik and I woke up on Sunday and had a great talk about raising children (very abstractly and not at all in a  personal way) in a society that sends messages to us before we're even out of the womb. He gave me hope that my television ban may work. I think I'll still have to buy them a Happy Meal from time to time -if those even exist -in the future.

Then I got pissy with him because he was drawing me a Rand McNally type map so I could find my way to my needed building by way of my bike. I got impatient because I was nervous about getting lost and worried about how long it was taking him to draw a simple map, and then he got mad because I didn’t want his help. And I left- pissed off, and cried a bit on my way. Then I got to my training, a little pissed off at Erik, and quickly jumped into talking about child sexual abuse. The topic made me quite touchy, not because I’ve ever been abused, but it just reminded me of every inappropriate thing that’s been done to me over the years. Reminded me of all the times I’d been taken advantage of. And that made me sad. And angry. Then we talked about suicide and crises, and I just shut down. I felt my body step back like ten times. Everything got so slow and painful. I walked out of training and felt like I’d been beat up. I called Erik, and he was kind of unresponsive; he wasn’t trying to be, but he just was. So I got flustered and went home. I called him a little bit later and told him that I needed to be around him. So I went over and watched baseball while he worked on some stuff. I lied on the couch like a puddle of poo. It hurt to move. I was cold. I was having problems talking. I just felt so incredibly overwhelmed by murky emotions that I could not discern. After the game I told him I was leaving and he said, “I wish you’d talk to me.” And I tried to tell him that I didn’t know what was bothering me, which I really didn’t. I couldn’t pinpoint anything. But then I just started talking and before I knew it I was crying. He asked me to stay over, and I did. I watched Independence Day while he worked. I felt so much better after I talked to him. It was huge. I felt like a different person after I unloaded on him. I hate being in that position. I hate being the one crying and unloading. I’m much better at being the receiver. He took care of me. He was great.