September 12

September 12, 2008
Wow. What a week this has been. I will try to reconstruct my week because I haven’t written, and so much has happened.
I worked until five or so on Sunday. Joe and I were supposed to hang out afterwards, but he bailed on me. That hurt my feelings. I don’t remember what I did that evening. I probably got stoned and watched TV with David.

Monday was a pretty shit day. I walked/ran around the river and started having terrible thoughts as I walked across the bridge. I imagined my body hitting the rocks below and then quietly floating down the river. I would feel nothing.

I missed my family, my friends. I always miss them, but on Monday the urge to drive home all the way to Texas was very strong. I miss home so much. I want my parents to take care of me for a while. Instead, I drove to Florence and tried to walk along the beach, but the wind was strong and sand blew everywhere. I couldn’t hang. So I left and ate seafood at one of the local diners.

I thought my trip to the beach would relax me, but it didn’t. I went home and continued to be a mess.

I called Mom and told her how I was feeling, and we cried together. She always makes me feel better. I felt bad about telling her how I was feeling, like I was being selfish, but I needed her to know that I wasn’t feeling well. I needed to open up to someone and get that negativity off of my chest.

Tuesday was a better day. David and I drove to get chicken feed and had lunch at Laughing Planet. I told him how I had been feeling. David and I are becoming closer, and I value his friendship. The crush is gone.

Wednesday I went to my therapy appointment and had a mini-breakdown in my session. Davies told me to call someone if I started feeling that way again. I told him because it was still affecting me, but I don’t want him or anyone thinking that I would actually hurt myself. Having the thoughts was enough for me.

After my session David and I drove up to Seattle together. The ride was pleasant, and we talked the whole time. Good traveling partner. I went to Tina’s, and we had a drink at her house. Then we went to a bar across the street and proceeded to get really drunk. I sang “Paradise City” with her roommates and did a little impromptu dancing to “Bohemian Rhapsody”.

I was hung over yesterday. Tina called into work, and we were worthless pieces of shit all day. We ate burgers for breakfast, and then a few hours later we met Cat at a restaurant. I hung out with Mark later. We ate delicious sushi and drank beers afterward. We played pool, visited the wine warehouse where he works, and I got to drive a forklift while under the influence.

I’m enjoying being out of Eugene and spending time with people that I have history with. Seeing Tina has been good for my soul. She’s still the same old Tina, and I would be disappointed if she wasn’t.

I love being in a big city that I can explore on my own. I’ve thought of Jeff a few times, mostly as I pass things and places that we visited when we were here. I’m sitting at a coffee shop in Ballard that we visited in June. I want to send him a text message saying that I’m having a better time without him, but that’s only partly true.